"Dogs Welcome"
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest
Town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog
With me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved.
Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my
Room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:
SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years.
In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels,
Bed clothes, silverware or steal pictures off the walls
Or use them as a coloring book.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night
For being drunk and disorderly..
And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to
Stay here, too."
***
Jokes from stand-up commedians 1950s & 60s
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night;
Only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. "
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
*********
JOKES OKAY FOR CHURCH
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
'Why is the bride dressed in white?'
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill..'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive.
St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I'll be right back."
St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.
God says to Peter:"How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers.
Go back and let them in!"
St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."
"The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.
A seminary professor was vacationing with his wife in Gatlinburg, Tennessee.
One morning, they were eating breakfast at a little restaurant, hoping to enjoy a quiet, family meal.
While they were waiting for their food, they noticed a distinguished looking, white-haired man moving from table to table, visiting with the guests.
The professor leaned over and whispered to his wife, “I hope he doesn't come over here.” But sure enough, the man did come over to their table.
“Where are you folks from?” he asked in a friendly voice. “ Oklahoma,” they answered.
“Great to have you here in Tennessee,” the stranger said... “What do you do for a living?”
“I teach at a seminary,” he replied.
“Oh, so you teach preachers how to preach, do you? Well, I've got a really great story for you. ”
And with that, the gentleman pulled up a chair and sat down at the table with the couple.
The professor groaned and thought to himself, “Great.. Just what we need.... Another preacher story!”
The man started, “See that mountain over there?" he said, pointing out the restaurant window. "Not far from the base of that mountain, there was a boy born to an unwed mother.
"He had a hard time growing up, because every place he went, he was always asked the same question, 'Hey boy, who's your daddy?'
"Whether he was at school, in the grocery store or drug store, people would ask the same question, 'Who's your daddy?'
"He would hide at recess and lunch time from other students. He would avoid going in to stores because that question hurt him so bad.
"When he was about 12 years old, a new preacher came to his church. He would always go in late and slip out early to avoid hearing the question, 'Who's your daddy?'
"But one day, the new preacher said the benediction so fast that he got caught and had to walk out with the crowd. Just about the time he got to the back door, the new preacher, not knowing anything about him, put his hand on his shoulder and asked him, 'Son, who's Your daddy?'
"The whole church got deathly quiet. He could feel every eye in the church was looking at him. Now everyone would finally know the answer to the question, 'Who's your daddy?'
"This new preacher, though, sensed the situation around him and using discernment that only the Holy Spirit could give, said the following to that scared little boy. 'Wait a minute! I know who you are! I see the family resemblance now. You are a child of God.'
"With that he patted the boy on his shoulder and said, 'Boy, you've got a great inheritance. Go and claim it.'
"The boy smiled for the first time in a long time and walked out the door a changed person. He was never the same again. Whenever anybody asked him, 'Who's your Daddy?' he'd just tell them, 'I'm a Child of God.'
The distinguished gentleman got up from the table and said, “Isn't that a great story?”
The professor responded that it really was a great story!
As the man turned to leave, he said, “You know, if that new preacher hadn't told me that I was one of God's children, I probably never would have amounted to anything!” And he walked away.
The seminary professor and his wife were stunned. He called the waitress over and asked her, "Do you know who that man was that just left that was sitting at our table?”
The waitress grinned and said, “Of course. Everybody here knows him. That's Ben Hooper. He's governor of Tennessee!”
Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
Until you try to sit in their pews.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Many folks want to serve God,
But only as advisers.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
It is easier to preach ten sermons
Than it is to live one.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose,
But mosquitoes come close.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
When you get to your wit's end,
You'll find God lives there.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
People are funny; they want the front of the bus,
Middle of the road,
And back of the church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Opportunity may knock once,
But temptation bangs on the front door forever.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Quit griping about your church;
If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If a church wants a better pastor,
It only needs to pray for the one it has.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until
he is dead. So why should you?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some minds are like concrete
Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Peace starts with a smile.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
I don't know why some people change churches;
What difference does it make which one you stay home from?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Stop, Drop, and Roll won't work in Hell.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God loves everyone,
But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
He who angers you, controls you!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Prayer:
Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The Will of God never takes you to where the
Grace of God will not protect you.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We don't change the message,
The message changes us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
You can tell how big a person is
By what it takes to discourage him/her.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If this blessed you in a profound way today,
Share it with a few friends to bless them!
I bet someone else will LOVE it too.
There is no greater treasure than a good friend!
(Especially if that Friend is Jesus Christ!
Kris’ funnies for the week of Jan. 19, 2013:
After a tiring day, a commuter settled in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train."
"Yes, I know it's the six-thirty and not the four-thirty, but I had a long meeting."
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss."
"No, sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric no longer uses his cell phone in public!
Two antennas met on a roof,
An elderly couple, Ray and Kris, were recently attending a church service at their retirement village near an Air Force Base.
About halfway through the service, Kris took a pen and paper out of her purse,and wrote a note and handed it to Ray.
The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
Ray scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
***
A set of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan..' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good). A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
And finally, there was the person who sent different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Nobody But Baby
(Thanks Kris! We celebrate our new grandson, Ethan!)
Who steals into your heart with a magical touch?
Who ensnares your love in a wee angel clutch?
Who make you a slave and a worshiper too?
Who gets adoration so lavish and true?
Who plays with your heartstrings like
A champion love-maker?
Nobody but baby - the little heartbreaker.
Helen Steiner Rice
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
Excitedly, the Irishman begins..."Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?
Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known
as an event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next.
Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.
It's not aging, it's the dang door! Thank goodness for studies like this.
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."
Husband texts back:
"Pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 mins later:
"Computer completely destroyed now."
The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after.
Make it a fantastic one.
~ And, Remember ~
"It is health that is real wealth
And not pieces of gold or silver."
~Author, Unknown
IN GOD WE TRUST!
Relax your mind and humble your heart to focus on Christ. Allow God to be
the only person on your mind while you read this prayer. If we can take the
time to read long jokes, stories, etc., we should give the same respect to
this prayer.
Friends, who pray together, stay together.
Dear Lord, I thank you for this day. I thank You for my being able to see
and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an
understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me.
Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not
pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness.
Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with
a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each day to
clear my mind so that I can hear from You.
Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. Let me
continue to see sin through God's eyes and acknowledge it as evil. And when
I sin, let me repent, and confess with my mouth my wrongdoing, and receive
the forgiveness of God.
And when this world closes in on me, let me remember Jesus' example -- to
slip away and find a quiet place to pray. It's the best response when I'm
pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my
heart.
Continue to use me to do Your will.
Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that
I may help the weak.. Keep me uplifted that I may have words of
encouragement for others. I pray for those who are lost and can't find their
way. I pray for those who are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those
who don't know You intimately. I pray for those who will delete this without
sharing it with others. I pray for those who don't believe. But I thank you
that I believe.
I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my
sisters and brothers. For every family member in their households. I pray
for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all
their needs are met.
I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem,
circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands
for You to fight.I pray that these words be received into the hearts of
every eye that sees them and every mouth that confesses them willingly..
This is my prayer.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen.
The History of 'APRONS'
I don't think our kids know what an apron is.
The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath because she only had a few and because it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and aprons required less material. But along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.
It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.
When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.
And when the weather was cold, Grandma wrapped it around her arms.
Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.
Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.
From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables.
After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.
In the autumn, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.
When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.
When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men folk knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.
It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes.
Send this to those who would know (and love) the story about Grandma's aprons.
REMEMBER:
Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.
The Govt. Would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that apron.
I don't think I ever caught anything from an apron - but love...
Another day at the supermarket ...
There was a bit of confusion at the supermarket this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me".
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security
running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking
and security alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
***
Some Amazing Things About the Human Body
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.
The average man's male part is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women Will be finished reading this by now.
Men Are still busy checking their thumbs.
How children perceive their Grandparents
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck.." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was just a kid.
I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit her on the day my big sister dropped the bomb: "There is no Santa Claus," she jeered. "Even dummies know that!"
My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of her "world-famous" cinnamon buns. I knew they were world-famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true.
Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm. Between bites, I told her everything. She was ready for me. "No Santa Claus?" she snorted...."Ridiculous! Don't believe it. That rumor has been going around for years, and it makes me mad, plain mad!! Now, put on your coat, and let's go."
"Go? Go where, Grandma?" I asked. I hadn't even finished my second world-famous cinnamon bun. "Where" turned out to be Kerby's General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everything. As we walked through its doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. That was a bundle in those days. "Take this money," she said, "and buy something for someone who needs it. I'll wait for you in the car." Then she turned and walked out of Kerby's.
I was only eight years old. I'd often gone shopping with my mother, but never had I shopped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping.
For a few moments I just stood there, confused, clutching that ten-dollar bill, wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for.
I thought of everybody I knew: my family, my friends, my neighbors, the kids at school, and the people who went to my church.
I was just about thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock's grade-two class. Bobby Decker didn't have a coat. I knew that because he never went out to recess during the winter. His mother always wrote a note, telling the teacher that he had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn't have a cough; he didn't have a good coat. I fingered the ten-dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy Bobby Decker a coat!
I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It looked real warm, and he would like that.
"Is this a Christmas present for someone?" the lady behind the counter asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars down. "Yes, ma'am," I replied shyly. "It's for Bobby."
The nice lady smiled at me, as I told her about how Bobby really needed a good winter coat. I didn't get any change, but she put the coat in a bag, smiled again, and wished me a Merry Christmas.
That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat in Christmas paper and ribbons and wrote, "To Bobby, From Santa Claus" on it. A little tag fell out of the coat, and Grandma tucked it in her Bible.
Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me over to Bobby Decker's house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever officially, one of Santa's helpers.
Grandma parked down the street from Bobby's house, and she and I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma gave me a nudge. "All right, Santa Claus," she whispered, "get going."
I took a deep breath, dashed for his front door, threw the present down on his step, pounded his door and flew back to the safety of the bushes and Grandma.
Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open. Finally it did, and there stood Bobby.
Fifty years haven't dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker's bushes. That night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said they were -- ridiculous. Santa was alive and well and we were on his team.
I still have the Bible, with the coat tag tucked inside: $19.95.
May you always have LOVE to share,
HEALTH to spare and FRIENDS that care...
And may you always believe in the magic of Santa Claus!
In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.
However, instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings.
Getting a Hairdryer through Customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' '
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, concerned about her husband’s heart condition.
She awaits the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. All goes well, Roger returns to his room and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her door. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents and afterwards, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is about to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – Roger is back again. But this time, as Roger gets set to leave, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, You are truly such a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story: Alzheimer's has its advantages.
PS.. Have I posted this already?
Church Ladies With typewriters .. . .
